1 year old Teresa Ann
A Life
From Prom Queen to Cloistered Nun
Life…
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1 year old Teresa Ann |
I believe my vocation story began
during a snowstorm. I was happily stranded at our small Catholic grade school in
the country and was thrilled to get to spend the night with the sisters in the
convent. Unfortunately, a distant relative came and “rescued” me. This is my
earliest memory of desiring to be a “bride of Christ”.
I was not a pious child or one of the smarter students. I was just a simple
little girl. And unfortunately as time passed I conveniently forgot about my
attraction to religious life. But before I get too far into this story I should
introduce myself. I was born in August 1972 and when baptized given the name
Teresa Ann. When I became a novice I received the name Sr. John Mary of the
Indwelling Trinity and I am blessed to be a Passionist Nun in Whitesville,
Kentucky.
Teresa Ann
A Life of Worldliness
When I was in 7th grade I transferred to a public school. Soon God
and family were last on my list of priorities. I found new friends who
like to party and just have “fun”. This too became my life goal, to find
fulfillment in pleasure, parties, guys, and sports and to be a “Julia Roberts
look-alike”. Thinking I had found my “true love” I entered into a very unhealthy
dating relationship. This relationship would consume my life for nearly three
years. I had many friends and during my senior year I was voted both Football
Homecoming Queen and Prom Queen. I was having all this “fun”; yet, peace and
fulfillment seemed to elude me.
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Where was God in all this? Well, I was raised in
a good Catholic home where we frequented the Sacraments and sometimes prayed
the Rosary together several nights a week. Honestly, I was just going through
the motions to keep peace until one night when this began to change: Ash
Wednesday, 1990. I was a senior in high school and beginning to realize that the
dating relationship I was in was not good for either of us. My parents
had tried without success to end this relationship, begging even with tears but
but he and I would always begin dating again.
Anyway, my family and I went to Mass and purely by the grace of God I cried out
to Jesus and asked Him to help me. That very evening when my boyfriend
came over I broke off our relationship. It was one of the most difficult things
I had ever done. Yet it was a most liberating experience at the same time.
I was free!!! Yet, little did I know how enslaved I was to my passions.
A Life in Christ
I began to get back into the party scene and all that goes with it. Plus some
friends and I bought a ouija board and spent many hours playing this evil game.
We did not really realize with whom we were in contact. It truly was the devil
trying to steal us further away from Christ. At the same time, a friend of mine
who was serving with The National Evangelization Teams (NET) began to write and
share with me about God’s tender love and mercy. Also, he shared that God had a
plan for my life. At first, I didn’t really listen. But when he returned home
and continued to share with me about God and the Catholic Church my heart began
to melt. By the time I started attending the University of Southern Indiana I
was attending charismatic
prayer meetings with him one night and a big party on campus the next. I wanted
both worlds. But I soon began to be disillusioned about the whole party scene
and began to feel some remorse for my sinful lifestyle.
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With this friend I visited the Franciscan
University of Steubenville. What an eye-opening experience I had that weekend…a
campus of young adults on fire with the love of Jesus Christ and His Church! I
began to realize that I could break out of the bondage of my lifestyle. That it
was possible to have a good time and honor God. I knew I had to make a
choice between a self-centered life and a God-centered life and I sensed that
the choice I made at this time would profoundly alter the rest of my life. About
a month after this experience I went on a pilgrimage to EWTN and Caritas of
Birmingham, AL. During this weekend I had one powerful experience after another
of His love and mercy for me. I began to hunger for Him. This weekend solidified
what had begun to happen at Steubenville. When I returned home I was ready to
turn away from sin and embrace the life of the Church. This was not an easy
choice and boy, did I need to make a really good confession! My wardrobe had to
change, my music, speech, social life, everything! Soon I began to attend
Mass during the week and pray the rosary voluntarily.
Needless to say, my conversion to a Christian lifestyle left my friends very
bewildered. Once when I met one of my “good ‘ole friends” a couple years later
he looked on me with such disgust, as if he could hardly refrain from spitting
in my face! It was difficult at times and I spent many a lonely Friday and
Saturday night at home in my room. Yet, at the same time I was grateful
for the Lord’s mercy and for drawing me into a personal friendship with Him.
Since I have entered the monastery some of my friends from high school have made
efforts to keep in touch, even attending the Mass of my Perpetual Profession of
Vows. I pray that one day soon they will come to understand why, during college,
I centered my life in Christ, and soon afterward, followed his call to the
monastery. Because if they understand this that means they too will have come to
KNOW Jesus and His radical-personal love for them!
But I am getting ahead of my story…What
about becoming a Religious Sister? I had not thought about that since grade
school! If it were not for His mercy and the prayers of my parents I would have
lost this precious pearl and perhaps even the gift of eternal salvation.
Although I was in a dating relationship I was also open to embracing the
vocation of religious life. After being at Mass with the Poor Clare Nuns at
EWTN, my childhood desire to be a Religious began to be re-enkindled.
I took two years off from college to
serve with NET Ministries. What graced years and what a good preparation for
monastic life! The NET staff encouraged us to be open to God’s call in our
lives. I felt very drawn to both the vocation of marriage and to religious life.
At this time we visited a Carmelite Monastery in North Dakota. I didn’t want to
leave. Yet, I thought to myself: “I could never live this life!” I thought
it would be too hard for me. After NET I returned home and resumed my studies at
USI. Although I received good grades my heart was not at peace. I just wanted to
be with Jesus, to study Jesus, to be His companion, to help Him save souls. Yet,
I desired to get married as well.
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What a quandary! I was hoping “Mr. Perfect Catholic Gentleman” would come along and sweep me off my feet. Yet, after each date I felt more and more dissatisfied.
Another friend of mine from NET was discerning a religious vocation with the Passionist Nuns and receiving excellent spiritual direction. So I asked if I, although I was not going to become a Passionist Nun, could receive direction from one of the Sisters. I was not to be disappointed. This spiritual direction aided my prayer life and Sister urged me to ask the Lord what vocation He had in store for me and to pray until I knew what it was.
A Life in Upheaval
By January of 1995 I had been struggling for months with attending college. I
dreaded my classes. I had a constant head cold. I cannot explain the lack of
peace I felt. When I was sitting in class I felt I was just wasting time. I had
no desire for a career. Yet, what would my parents, relatives and friends think
if I did not finish? Would they think I was a failure, that I could not “tough
it out”? Yet, I had been trying to tough it out for the past four months and the
lack of peace had only increased. Was I going to school because it was God’s
will or because it was a societal expectation? What would I do if I did not go
to school? I felt as if there was no place for me in this world.
I spent much time before the Blessed Sacrament, seeking to have a spirit of trust and confidence in His guidance. How could I best love Him and bring many others to love Him as well? The following proverb became my constant prayer: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3: 5,6)
Then I did it! I quit school. What peace flooded into my being. Yet, what dread…I now had to tell my parents what I had done. I was living at home and they were generously paying for my education. My decision was hard for them yet they were supportive and accepted that this was what I needed to do.
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At this time I found much consolation in the Passion of Christ. He had looked like such a failure in the eyes of all. I even began to wonder if I HAD gone crazy but I put my trust in Luke 5:1-11 “…when they brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed Him.” I just wanted to follow Jesus! At this time I found great consolation in the following quote from St. Paul of the Cross – Founder of the Passionist Congregation: “When a soul tries its best to be united to God and on the other hand finds no peace in the tasks and in the place where it is, it is a sign that His Divine Majesty desires something else of it.” Now, if He would just tell me what the “something else” was! I understand now that God was increasing my faith through this period of waiting so that when I did enter the monastery I would not turn back.
A Life of Discernment
During this time my prayer was: “Dear Mother Mary, please find me a holy
monastery or a holy husband.” She soon answered my plea. Sister invited me to
have a week long live-in in the monastery. Although I had been to the monastery
many times for spiritual direction this was the first time I was going to enter
the cloister. I absolutely loved it! I became close friends with the Passionist
saints. I felt at home with the sisters and they with me. This was like a dream
come true and I did not want to return home. I wanted to remain in this holy
house to spend myself for His glory and for souls, to comfort Him in His
Passion. The fact that this hidden life revolved around the Mass and that the
Liturgy of the Hours was the incense of continual worship and sacrifice
throughout the day resonated within my being. During this time I received many
graces: the greatest was the realization that God was calling me to be His
bride! When I returned home I began to share with friends and relatives that I
was going to become a Religious Sister. Some were supportive; others thought I
was taking this religion thing a bit too far. A dear elderly priest-friend of
mine discouraged my entering a community that was cloistered. (But later, after
witnessing how I flourished in this monastic environment, he gave his complete
support!) For me there was no turning back! I had found that “Perfect
Catholic Gentleman”: Jesus Christ.
Siblings: Patty,Teresa, Jeff,
Doug & Mitchell
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After the live-in experience, my desire to return to the Passionist Monastery increased and I felt little or no inclination towards the other communities I contacted. Yet, I did not know if I would be able to embrace the silence and solitude of the cloister. I enjoyed meeting new people, traveling, eating out, visiting with family and friends, and so on. How could I give this up? But Sister told me, “Don’t worry about whether or not you can live the life, rather continue asking God if this is the vocation He has for you. If yes, the grace to live the life will not be wanting.”
So I began to prepare to enter the monastery and spent much time with my family and friends. So much so, that time I had allotted for prayer and spiritual reading began to diminish. My desire to enter the monastery began to suffer and my contact with the community diminished somewhat. This was the perfect set-up for that last final temptation! I received a letter from a Catholic friend who revealed the fact that he was attracted to me! He asked me to postpone my entrance into the monastery until we could get together. I became very confused wondering what God’s will was for my life. In tears, I immediately drove down to the monastery to get some advice from Sister. She explained that there is often one last temptation before one enters the monastery. She reminded me that I had discerned the vocation of marriage for several years and it had borne no fruit. She then advised me not to meet with the young man but to enter the monastery as planned. If during this time of further discernment, it seemed God was not calling me to religious life, I would return home and could then contact him. This brought much peace to my heart. Two years later I made my first profession of vows and he sent a half dozen white roses! The moral of the story: Prayer and recollection should not slack off but deepen before one is about to enter the monastery.
It was difficult to leave my family, yet thrilling to walk into the cloister that Sunday afternoon, August 27, 1995. I felt some fear sweep over me. Yet at the same time I knew that the God who had led me to my new home would continue to walk by my side, now in a more intimate way.
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A Life of Faith
Once I entered the monastery I encountered new
joys AND new purifications. I had found Him whom I loved with all my heart! Yet,
I was finding myself as well; I realized I was not the saint I had thought
myself to be. I knew that no one was making me stay here; it was truly my
choice. In the beginning I found the silence and solitude to be difficult.
I had to become teachable, receiving help and correction from others, with my
independent American attitude this was tough! Also, I missed my family very
much.
I began to realize this community was not a
group of angels living on earth! They were redeemed sinners just like me.
Plus, this community was missing a generation of vocations. Aside from one
transfer from another Passionist community they had received only one vocation
throughout the previous sixteen years and she left during my postulancy. Also,
there was one other woman who entered the monastery at the same time I did and
she left after about a month. Being the only young person in community for the
first 7 years was difficult at times. These situations certainly called me to a
deeper level of faith and to ask myself: Did I come here for self or for Jesus?
Throughout the trials and joys I can say that since the day I entered this “School of Jesus Crucified” (a school of LOVE!) the peace I was searching for, the “peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding” has never left my soul. During my 30-day retreat in preparation for my Final Profession of vows my Mom wrote me a letter sharing a little secret with me: she told me that she had always prayed I would be a Religious Sister! Wow, the power of a Mother’s prayer for her children.
After God and our Blessed Mother, I owe a debt of gratitude to my parents for the gift of my religious vocation. They taught us kids fidelity to God and family. They taught us the art of loving one another through deeds of sacrifice, obedience, work, stability and “togetherness”. They didn’t spoil us (at least according to American standards!) nor did they let us do things that would cause us harm morally and spiritually, although we sometimes did those things anyway, but not with their permission. They didn’t “cave in” to be “cool” parents. Thanks Mom and Dad!
Sister John Mary
& Deacon Jeff
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Perhaps you who are reading this story
are wondering how my family feels about my being a cloistered Religious
Sister? Well, I know they miss me but they know I am happy and for
the most part this pleases them. My three youngest siblings are boys and
they think its pretty cool having a sister who is a nun. For my sister it
is more difficult because there are only the two of us girls. My Dad is
happy that I am happy and my Mom knows that doing God’s Will will bear abundant
fruit in our family. God has blessed our family not only with a religious
vocation but with a possible priestly vocation as well. One of my brothers is
currently studying to be ordained to the priesthood for the Diocese of
Evansville, IN.
A Life of Gratitude
Hardly a day goes by that I am not overwhelmed with gratitude towards my Beloved
for giving me the gift to live this life of prayer and penance for His glory and
the salvation of souls. On September 13, 2003 I was blessed to make my Perpetual
Profession of our five Passionist vows to my Beloved in the presence of my
family and friends. What a glorious day that was! All I can say is that He has
taken me at my word…I am His and He is mine…Forever.
Interested in Our Life?
He too has a loving plan for you. If you would like to learn more about our Passionist Contemplative life please do get in touch with us. We are praying for you as you discern God’s will in your life.
I would like to leave you with this experience of St. Augustine:
“Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would not have been at all. You called, you shouted, and broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.”
(See Sister's Final Profession of Vows Picture Slide)
(back to Vocation Stories)
Sr. John Mary, her father Bill & her mother
Bernie